In the spring, we applied to get verified to adopt in the State of Texas. The organization we’d selected was a ‘Christian’ Adoption Agency that came with glowing reviews from those in our church community and town. During the process, we were asked to be 100% transparent in our past. Wise counsel, and the Agency, told us to be explicitly clear with our individual and collective histories. And we did, gladly! We fully believe the roads we’ve walked this side of heaven we’ve walked for a reason.

We were removed from our church body in Dallas without any option for reconciliation. We were told to “go somewhere else and get healthy”. And swiftly excommunicated. Phone calls and text messages ceased. ‘Friendships’ vanished. To be very clear, we weren’t healthy. We were hurting and we hurt others as a result. And, the removal of our “ownership” (aka membership) to that church body was revoked without Biblical grounds.

Though I find it easy to bleed out parts of my story as an offering of what Jesus is doing in my life, there are chapters seemingly unmentionable. I struggle with communicating the periodical brokenness I feel around things related to physical intimacy. Like many children, I grew up with little to no supervision. Subsequently, much of my youth was spent trying to gain the respect of older kids. It was there, a teenager 7 years my senior (I was nine) held me down for three long years…

With the type of sorrow grieving an innocent childhood lost to negligence, I found no value in sadness. Besides, it seemed people liked me best when I was upbeat and happy. Though my general disposition is cheerful, It is unhealthy to assume anyone can stay that way forever. 20 years passed before I allowed myself to grieve. In that time, I developed an exaggerated character of myself. Like a caricature, my positive emotional features became larger than life.

Though she did not do everything right, she did the right thing by showing up. She helped me when I asked and offered when I didn’t. Without knowing if I would ever recover, she put her dreams and aspirations on pause. She said yes to our marriage, when she could have very well said no. With biblical grounds for termination, she could have walked away…

You know how we tend to say, "Well, it can't get any worse" and then, it gets worse? June 12, 2017 - it got worse. That was the day I found out my husband of 2.5 years was experiencing drug addiction. 

…at times my heart still sings the chorus clearly. Today is one of those times. It also just so happens to be my mom’s birthday, her 53rd birthday - and I should also add - Aerosmith is one of her favorite bands. And to make things a bit more complex, we haven’t talked since November 9th, 2018 (which happened to be my 35th birthday). If I was counting, I’d tell you it’s been 431 days since we last exchanged words and 13,215 days of feeling the gravity of the lyrics to a dumb pop-rock alternative crossover hit…

Do you ever find yourself trying to force your relationships to mirror others? Like, we all see those mattress commercials with couples all cuddled up and think… that looks cozy. And then, you go to bed and try and cuddle but your husband’s beard is scratchy, the wife’s snoring and the dog is pinning down the covers. So, you give up on the idealistic cuddle, roll over and lay down in the Heisman position and pass out into a pool of drool.

Please tell me it’s not just me….

Ever feel like you’re grappling for any sense of normalcy? And before long, you’re doing anything you can to get back to where you once were? In the aftermath of trauma we experience hopelessness. In that space, we wind up seeking our own version of normalcy.

Because we fear what others think of us, we withhold information. However, if we genuinely desire relief from what ails us, we must stop caring about our reputation. We cannot save our face and a** at the same time…

Like Britney Spears’ 2007 salon breakdown experience, I too have shaved my head in moments of insanity. And although I wouldn’t wish for anyone to walk in the path I have, I am grateful for every step I’ve taken. Because with every step, whether one forward or two back, God’s grace has carried me. It’s carried my family. And whether you agree with me or not, your steps and missteps have carried you, too…

The list of could haves and should haves is vast and wide. So is the time spent focusing on things we can’t change. And yet, we expect new outcomes and in doing so we surrender ourselves to the cycle of insanity. I get it though, there are plenty of things in my past I wish I could change. I certainly never wanted to experience drug addiction or near financial ruin. There are investments I missed out on, along with a rolling scroll sized list of mistakes I never thought I’d make…

In moments of shame, I wander down paths of darkness traversing great lengths to remain unknown. Out of feelings of embarrassment, I allow sin to rob my voice. In silence, a lack of confession starves my relationship with God and in self preservation, I drift. Isolated, I allow the current of life to pull me away. Wanting to regain ground but unwilling to sacrifice my pride, I sink to depths not meant for anyone and suffocate. Without confession, I drown.

We silently sit there, scrolling, double tapping, commenting.... judging. Based on what? A 4x4 image? A split second in time? The 1 in 37 selfies that she was proud of? The hours in the gym it took to be proud enough to even have that photo taken? You see a 4x4 image but what you don't see is the story behind it. 

Why did my virginity get stolen from me? True, I didn't want to give my virginity to him! But, I wasn't seeking after God at that point in my life. Instead, I was seeking validation from the world. I'd rejected who God said I was and accepted the lies of the enemy. Had I chosen to actively seek the Truth…

He understands addiction and bears with us patiently as we make our way out - even if we’re kicking and screaming like immature children. Even when we’re making a scene and making other people look bad. Even when we cause discord, Jesus still offers forgiveness and receives us…even when the church does not.

With the type of sorrow grieving an innocent childhood lost to negligence, I found no value in sadness. Besides, it seemed people liked me best when I was upbeat and happy. Though my general disposition is cheerful, It is unhealthy to assume anyone can stay that way forever. 20 years passed before I allowed myself to grieve. In that time, I developed an exaggerated character of myself. Like a caricature, my positive emotional features became larger than life.

We got plugged in. We put down roots. We started serving. We got mentors. Then, I relapsed on methamphetamine. Like pennies on a funnel shoot, it was the beginning of a slow and brutal spiral out of control. There are several contributing factors leading to my decision use drugs, however they are all an exaltation of things above Jesus. Trusting in drugs, alcohol, and pornography I pushed Jesus aside. Even though stress, anxiety, abuse, and trauma have to bow to the name of Jesus, I did not.

When staring into the digital abyss, I tend to lose focus of what truly matters. Distracted by social media, entertainment-streaming-services, online news outlets, and websites galore, I exchange my relationship with the Lord for lesser things. Judas did the same too:

Historically, when rage sets in, The Hulk takes over and I self-sabotage by way of vices. When everything around me seems to be working against me, I get angry.

Regardless of what it looks like, how we got it, what we risked, or if we never touched it - at one point - didn’t we all have a dream?

Someone recently told me to quit speaking "christianese" and dive deeper. So, I'll get right to the point.

In my daydream, I’m also a size 8 (because I’m type A and I have to be somewhat realistic!) with perfectly sculpted arms, my hair doesn’t frizz, my butt doesn’t jiggle and the Christian Louboutin heels I’m wearing don’t land loudly on the marble floors beneath me like hoofs on a horse. Instead, I glide - nearly floating - as I twirl and whirl in my couture gown… move over Kendall Jenner!

If you want to have your mind blown, watch this video! The Hebrew word for order, is “Davar.” The word, word means order. Thus, the word of God is His Order. Likewise, God’s Word, is God’s “order.”

If rats can’t breathe at higher altitudes, we shouldn’t bother with their presence as we ascend into the clouds - A message from our dear friend Chase Arrington about landing where your looking.

When only half of the gospel is presented, it’s not good news at all!

My point here is this: we can suck as long as we're actively working in not sucking. Ya feel me? So, how do we grow? How do we go from being who we are today to a not-so-sucky version of us?

I am grateful for the people who never gave up on me, even though I did at one point…

Whether you're an entrepreneur, pastor, parent, student, employee, etc. it's important to know that leadership carries a very heavy weight

….I was nauseatingly full of myself. Four years at a private Christian University that was paid for by money left to me by my late Grammy probably didn't help the cocktail that quickly became, 'The Kaitlyn Show'. My middle name might as well have been changed from Kaitlyn to Arrogance. 

Spring 2014 I did something no soon-to-be wife should ever do without asking her soon-to-be husband. I rescued a dog. Bringing our dog count from 1 to 2... Seeing as how our first fur-baby was named after Joshua's childhood favorite musician (Dolly Parton), we promptly named fur-baby number two, Ziggy Stardust.  But I mean, look at that face? How could I have said no?! 

That's us, isn't it? Trying with all our might to make something work out of our own knowledge or strength only to discover, we had the ingredients we needed all along...

Have you ever heard a song and immediately thought someone had a magnifying glass on your life when they wrote it? A song that spoke so clearly to your life at the time it was undeniable it was meant for you?

For months, I've been wrestling with forgiveness. It's 'easier' to forgive those in front of us who are saying, "will you forgive me?" But, what about those who aren't in front of us?

I feel stuck, isolated, frustrated, confused, hurt, and sad. I definitely don't feel free. At least not regularly. 

But, feelings aren't facts. Right?

At times, I’ve wanted to throw in the towel on my recovery. It seemed far too impossible, not only to avoid temptation but to pursue righteousness. Though the life of slavery/addiction I once knew beckons, Jesus invites me to dine at His table and to feast on His word.

Though I find it easy to bleed out parts of my story as an offering of what Jesus is doing in my life, there are chapters seemingly unmentionable. I struggle with communicating the periodical brokenness I feel around things related to physical intimacy. Like many children, I grew up with little to no supervision. Subsequently, much of my youth was spent trying to gain the respect of older kids. It was there, a teenager 7 years my senior (I was nine) held me down for three long years…

I hate admitting negligence towards my dogs because I like to think I would never cause them harm. However, in drug addiction, I was not only negligent, but downright neglectful. Even though it wasn’t intentional, using made me unavailable to many of life’s demands. Bills went unpaid. I failed to show up to functions requiring my presence. I didn’t feed my animals, let alone myself…

It took a year for me to get de-programmed. Although I am grateful for the structure and wisdom programs provided me, they run in opposition to Gospel Truth. However, I still sometimes frequent their rooms. Not because I need to attend for sobrietys sake, but….

We got plugged in. We put down roots. We started serving. We got mentors. Then, I relapsed on methamphetamine. Like pennies on a funnel shoot, it was the beginning of a slow and brutal spiral out of control. There are several contributing factors leading to my decision use drugs, however they are all an exaltation of things above Jesus. Trusting in drugs, alcohol, and pornography I pushed Jesus aside. Even though stress, anxiety, abuse, and trauma have to bow to the name of Jesus, I did not.

Though she did not do everything right, she did the right thing by showing up. She helped me when I asked and offered when I didn’t. Without knowing if I would ever recover, she put her dreams and aspirations on pause. She said yes to our marriage, when she could have very well said no. With biblical grounds for termination, she could have walked away…

Though it was hard expressing the nature and severity of my spiritual biopsychosocial sickness, I mustered up the courage to take it one day at a time. It just happened this particular day looked like being honest with a potential employer.

As my grandma used to say, “Running with the wrong crowd gets you nowhere.” Though drugs took me somewhere, eventually it was nowhere I wanted to be. For me, change looked like surrender. Once I admitted…

If only I could be half as good as his mullet was long, surely I would make it. But as many of us know, sometimes the things we want, turn out to be things we don’t. I found out greatness has a price.

So, when I see this video what sticks out to me are the things I never wanted you to see. 

If rats can’t breathe at higher altitudes, we shouldn’t bother with their presence as we ascend into the clouds - A message from our dear friend Chase Arrington about landing where your looking.

I am grateful for the people who never gave up on me, even though I did at one point…

Part of how the Lord free’d me from 20 + years of addictions!

"There's something wrong with me. This isn't normal, right? I guess I just need to pray more or have more faith. I don't know. Maybe I'm just broken. I'm sorry to bother you with this. I probably sound so stupid."

Those are, loosely, the words I recall a young lady saying to me over the phone. I could hear it in her voice. She didn't actually believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. She was buying into a lie.

This is my testimony of how Jesus Christ set me free of the enslaving bondage of sin via its many manifestations throughout my life; pornography, alcohol, drugs, and many other idols.

You know how we tend to say, "Well, it can't get any worse" and then, it gets worse? June 12, 2017 - it got worse. That was the day I found out my husband of 2.5 years was experiencing drug addiction. 

I didn't hold back my anger or my tongue.

Why did my virginity get stolen from me? True, I didn't want to give my virginity to him! But, I wasn't seeking after God at that point in my life. Instead, I was seeking validation from the world. I'd rejected who God said I was and accepted the lies of the enemy. Had I chosen to actively seek the Truth…

I hate admitting negligence towards my dogs because I like to think I would never cause them harm. However, in drug addiction, I was not only negligent, but downright neglectful. Even though it wasn’t intentional, using made me unavailable to many of life’s demands. Bills went unpaid. I failed to show up to functions requiring my presence. I didn’t feed my animals, let alone myself…

Though she did not do everything right, she did the right thing by showing up. She helped me when I asked and offered when I didn’t. Without knowing if I would ever recover, she put her dreams and aspirations on pause. She said yes to our marriage, when she could have very well said no. With biblical grounds for termination, she could have walked away…

When only half of the gospel is presented, it’s not good news at all!

My point here is this: we can suck as long as we're actively working in not sucking. Ya feel me? So, how do we grow? How do we go from being who we are today to a not-so-sucky version of us?

I am grateful for the people who never gave up on me, even though I did at one point…

Spring 2014 I did something no soon-to-be wife should ever do without asking her soon-to-be husband. I rescued a dog. Bringing our dog count from 1 to 2... Seeing as how our first fur-baby was named after Joshua's childhood favorite musician (Dolly Parton), we promptly named fur-baby number two, Ziggy Stardust.  But I mean, look at that face? How could I have said no?! 

How A Father-In-Law can reflect the Father from above.